Raw

true emotions: captured

kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me love me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me

I would rather die than see your face

I never imagined living would feel so unsatisfying
I never imagined I would be tortured by the way I felt about you
I never imagined you would stop feelings that way about me

now I imagine it will never be as it was
and this misery will be eternal

shadows of you
in my subconscious
colours of the previous
leaking through your iris
you yearn
to return

what you gave up
waits

I am the saddest whangdoodle you will ever meet

Four months you loved me
And four more I will love you

The violent thundering, the external monsoon has ceased
All that remains in a silent abyss
Welcome to the world
You're not going to like it here

And that quickly, everything that meant anything....disappeared

Today is my Friday
You are my Friday
The end of the misery
The two days ahead of me
The night within me

Within me this night

This night
You'll be



Within me

It's that time of year again. The time when tissues are necessary for every outing. No, it's not the spring allergies. It's depression.

The green of envy consumes everything in its path. It distorts perfect objects, wrapping around them, growing tighter until they are breathless.
Breathe for me.
I am breathing for you.
Breathe.
Breathe.

please

The moment I saw you I knew you would be important. Although, I couldn't have known you'd be this important to me. Your significance frightens me. I don't like knowing you have such a large impact on my emotions. I feel out of control and it scares me...that's why I think I'm trying to make a you feel like things are your fault...I'm afraid of pain and the fact that you're the only person in the world that could cause it.
I love you....I've realised I love you more than I ever thought I could love one person.
I can't stand to lose you. I won't let it happen, not yet. I know you love me too...and I'm sorry for exposing you to whatever I'm going through.
It's going to stop because feeling this way is killing me. Loving you this much is killing me.

let the sun be like the moon with the colour of the devil's face illuminated upon it

I sit in the scent of perspiration
A lacrosse team of twenty-something
Staring at me as I read my semi-biographical novel
They would never know
Know that I don't give a shit about their cool-guy sporty-bodies
Or know that I'm seventeen with a fifteen year old boyfriend
So leave me to drink my lemonade from this Guinness glass
And bask in the sunlight reminiscent of last spring
The spring when I first met that fifteen year old I now love

I loathe everything

the amount I see you is growing exponentially
you are no longer embedded  in my sleep
but behind my eyelids
always

I wonder when I will begin to see you everywhere
hear you
feel you

eventually  I'll be convinced I am with you
this illusion will become my reality
and I'm terrified

I hope no one I know ever finds this blog. Unfortunately it's linked to my other school-related bloggers....fuck.

I should not be allowed this Internet access in these hours of the morning.

Everything I write will be blasphemous.

I found some old haikus

Tom's toothpaste tastes like
Weed is that what they mean by
Natural fresh breath

Boners are quite strange
When you hug me, I feel it
Hey, can I touch it?



I'm shit at writing haikus

5 feelings I dislike

1. Jealousy
2. Longing
3. Doubt
4. Disappointment
5. Vomiting

Expanding

a tree lies in a corduroy desert
wind catches the tree by surprise
surrounding it
whispering knowledge

the tree expands
fed by the wind's knowledge

the tree is wet
it is the only wet thing in the desert

the tree is more alive than it has ever been
and now
knowledgable

Insignificant

I choked on a small piece of turkey today during lunch
not the country
and not the kind of choking that happens often

It was the I-can't-breathe-please-help-me kind of choking

I thought for a moment that I was going to die
in my kitchen
with my boyfriend staring at me
and my two female friends panicking

I realised how awful that would have been
to die in my kitchen
choking on a piece of last night's turkey

death by leftovers

this weekend I'm going to appreciate cartoons
and hot chocolate
and nuzzling

but definitely not turkey

Why is it that the past seems simpler?
Is it because people continue to grow more complex?
Or is it harder to comprehend our emotions of late?
Don't tell me....
I'd like to figure this out.

and it was so beautiful I couldn't help but cry

it was a utopian day
I wanted to see your face in that light
be with you in that light

as I looked across the valley
at the roofs of the suburban homes
all so simliar
I realised

I don't want to be like them
duplicates
consistent in shape, color, and size

I want to be unspecific
inconsistent

with you